Behold, the Freak.

Welcome to the Confessions of a Living Freak

my personal memoir and contemplations

For many reasons, I will be using a psyeudonym. I know I'm putting my personal story out here, on the "interwebs", but I do have some semblence of safety and decorum. So without further delay, hello, I am R. Victor, and it's a terrifying pleasure to meet you through this exploitation of my personal experiences and mind meanderings. I hope you find this place warm and inviting, and that you find some type of value in it. I find myself in a very strange place in life, where I am honestly addressing my previously gripped beliefs, and giving myself permission to enjoy life, for the first time, well, ever. I have a great deal of internal conversing with little release for it, so I've come here to voice my thoughts to the ether.

How It All Started

This past year brought a lot of changes- a lot of changes. Some relationships ended, others began, and so many have morphed into something else.... rather, I've changed and so the way that I've shown up in my relationships has changed. It feels so much safer to say that a thing has changed, rather than I have, but I want to face the truth. I've changed.

I was married, and this year, that relationship ended. I like to think that I was blameless, that I did nothing worth labeling as "toxic", but I'm not so sure anymore. I think I have some behaviors to modify and address, and to a certain extent, that is exciting and comforting. I like changing and growing and becoming a better version of myself. It's also upsetting to think that I was someone I would now look at with disappointment and coach into a better human being (but also, what a flex, that I can do that now).

Nearly a year ago, now, I reunited with a family member I'd learned to consider a hopeless cause. Surprisingly not hopeless. It's this relationship in particular, that has helped me truly evaluate myself, my relationships, and my beliefs. I've changed my mindset regarding probably all of my family (and there a few of them), and I feel lonelier than ever, because it seems like maybe no one will ever truly get me. But this change has also opened my eyes to the fact that I already felt that way- I'm just acknowledging the truth.

I consider myself a Christian, and I know that saying that nowadays can bring a lot of responses, many, if not most, of which are negative. I get that. "Christianity" has been rigidly adhered to, pushed on unsuspecting and good people, and created such a distance between the church and "everyone else". I do not blame you if you instaneously decided you hated me. You have a lot of data to back up that response. The truth is, like so many "Christians", I also gripped my beliefs so tightly that the idea that you didn't agree with what I believed made you a "hell-goer", if you will. And it isn't my beliefs that makes the difference. It's yours. I am recognizing that I don't have all the answers, and that's okay. I could be wrong in my beliefs. I could be right. But I want to have such a deep and full understanding of my belief system, that I can answer with confidence when asked any foundational question about it. And currently, I don't think I can. That's pretty terrifying to me. So I'm confronting myself, and opening myself as a book for you to read.

What Does the Future Hold?

Honestly, that's a loaded question, and I don't have all the answers, which, I guess is the point. However, stepping outside the existential and into the more philosophical, I can give a bit more direction there. I tend to think in a somewhat abstract manner, and I process my thoughts in a myriad of ways, such as writing journals (or blog posts), and poetry. Unfortunately, poetry doesn't seem to have as large an audience as blogging, or maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. But I do know that I will be putting my philosophical and abstract thoughts to poetry, and putting them out here for you to peruse and maybe even find yourself appreciating.

Here ended the Session.

I shall, perhaps, see you again sometime, and mayhap I shall have some witty philosophy for you to ponder. For now, I will rest my weary head, and tomorrow begin again.

Signing off,

The Freak